Again & Again

A short story

“We’re done,” The tone of my voice carried an icy edge.

James dropped his entire lunch tray, causing a loud SLAP! I watched potato soup splash all over the floor, while it rained ramen lettuce and cherry tomatoes. There was a sudden hush that fell over the entire cafeteria as dozens of eyes turned our way.

“What?” James blinked. I noticed his chest wasn’t moving like he was holding his breath. I tried remaining serious–straight-faced–not at all giving in to the emotions I felt.

“You heard me,” My voice cracked, even though I kept a frown on my face.

“No,” James shook his head, his wavy blonde hair swaying with his head. There was a glint in his brown eyes. I feared they were actually tears.

“Yes, James. I’m done,” I crossed my arms. “I’m breaking up with you.”

I heard multiple,"Ooh”’s from our spectators. It never occurred to me that the entire school would witness the breakup between the football quarterback and captain of the girl's track team.

“No, you’re not,” James looked completely distraught. “Y-You don’t quit, Maria. We don’t quit. We never give up, remember?”

Something inside me twitched, my consciousness of our crowd fading away. “You don’t quit, James.” I threw my hands up in the air, frustration being tossed into the wind. “It’s all you ever focus on! But guess what? I’m not like you, James.” I took a deep, choking breath. “I’ll never be like you. So …” I flicked my dark, black hair in the air. “I give up trying.” I spun around and marched off, acting extremely dramatic.

“Maria–” He tried reaching for me.

“Don’t even,” I shot a look at him–catching the complete internal destruction that was reflected in his eyes.

“I’m not giving up,” James said, his voice barely reaching my ears. “I’ll fight for us, Maria. Again and again, I don’t care. I will. I am.”

I felt something inside me die at that moment. Holding in the river of tears that threatened to pour mercilessly, I ran from the cafeteria. Once I escaped, I hugged myself and allowed the tears to flow off my cheeks. What was supposed to be a freeing decision, felt like the beginning of an unending nightmare.

---

I don’t think anybody really understood what happened. Heck, I doubted James really did, either. For weeks, he tried talking to me. Over and over, James called, texted, came to my house, and stopped me in the school halls, all to apologize and attempt to talk things out with me.

“I didn’t realize,” he kept telling me. “I never wanted you to be like me.”

I believed that.

James used to tell me that football felt like a life practice field. There were always two opposite teams, each fighting for the same thing: to score and win the game. But it took disciplining his body, following the rules, and obeying whatever his coach said was the best way to combat the opposing team.

“It’s like how God is with us,” James told me once.

It was a nice analogy, I had to admit. Everyone had a part to play in life, and there were different positions on the team. Not everyone could be the quarterback and not everyone could play at the same time. I liked to imagine that God was like that, too. He orchestrated who would be on the front lines for a time, and who would cover them from behind. Or maybe he planned for certain people to wait on the sidelines and prepare for when there is a temporary swap out so a member could recuperate. And then, of course, those spectating would watch it all unfold and maybe someday join the team too.

“It’s just that opposing side,” James kicked a rock from under him. “The devil can get pretty crafty, you know. He does whatever he can to knock us down and make sure we stay down and never come back on the field.”

I hated the idea of that. What was worse, I knew it was a reality. Life always has opposition, it’s an unavoidable factor. Yet, any time it remotely came close to me I ran “out of bounds” as James called it once.

“Sometimes teammates get scared,” I defended. “I’ve seen plenty of your players run out of bounds to avoid getting tackled.”

“Cowards,” James scoffed. “You can’t play a contact sport without having contact. I mean, it’s literally a cheap way to play.” Then, of course, he proceeded to explain how life wasn’t like that at all. “You can’t just avoid every bad thing. You have to realize that you will get hit. But, the trick is learning how to get back up again, in God’s strength. So you can continue on stronger than you were before.”

But I played a different kind of sport. I was a track runner, nothing about it was a contact sport. All I had to do was focus on not tripping over my own feet. I never had to worry about someone aiming to throw me to the ground. I didn’t have some precious ball I had to secure, in order for my team to score a point. No, I just had to run straight ahead and be the fastest I could be. I carried the weight of my team’s score, but that was really it. No defense or offense–I just ran straight.

Or maybe … I was really running away. From what? Probably everything. People, opinions, fear, pain, failure, the list was endless. And what’s worse, I was at that breaking point. A place where I had no idea if I would make it through life in general. There was too much darkness that I could see and too many times I was victimized. I figured ending things with James would make it easier in the long run. After all, it was bound to happen at some point … right?

I might as well have been prepared for it.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Thump, thump, thump.

My heart rate beat rapidly, as I pushed my legs to their maximized limit. I kept my eyes straight on the finish line, pushing away my screaming and distracting thoughts. The crowds roared with excitement and cheers, rooting for the runners. This was my moment, everything depended on how I ended the race. College scouts were watching me from the bleachers, along with every person I knew.

Make it or break it.

Go, go, go, go.

Fire shot through my legs, while my lungs worked to pump oxygen faster than ever before. My feet stomped the earth below me, trampling on anything that tried to overcome me. I was in the lead, beating my finest time and setting my entire future before me. Yet, my mind wandered to the possibility that pain was unavoidable.

What if I lose? The thought escaped me before I had a chance to realize it.

Passing a lap, the crowd screamed with excitement. My rivals were behind me, but I wasn’t sure how far back. Would they take over my ground and surpass me? I didn’t know. An odd feeling of panic arose inside of my heart. My legs started shaking, causing my feet to move from side to side more than needed.

Focus!

Tears started forming from nowhere, blurring my vision. Then, in a split second, I saw a girl pass me up with complete ease. I tried pushing myself to go faster but realized there was no breath in me. My lungs screamed for air and found none. I gasped, while my feet spiraled out of control. Instantly, my feet lost all ground, throwing my body to the pavement. Smack! I rolled across the track like a tumbleweed, every muscle and bone in my body succumbing to the force of gravity. I watched the entire world spin dizzily out of my control, at a merciless end.

No! I wanted to scream. I was so close!

Pain absorbed my body, as it finally slowed down to a stop. My vision–still blurred–watched black blobs run past me, crossing the finish line. The horrid truth sunk in my soul, that I was left in their dust. Whatever was left behind, had finally caught up and surpassed me entirely.

“Maria!” There were voices and a sudden crowd of black blobs around me.

That’s when I realized that I still could not breathe. Oh, God! I panicked. The surrounding crowd did not help the situation, so many people were talking and trying to figure out what to do.

“Maria!” I felt someone grab my whole arm.

“James–” My coach, I figured, started yelling. “Be careful don’t–”

I was jerked on my feet and gasped at the sudden movement. Shockingly, I was able to catch my breath once more. But my knees shook like leaves, threatening to send me back to the ground.

“Maria,” James grasped onto my shoulders and kept me in firm standing. No, I thought. Not James! I could not bear to look at him. The shame of failure swept over me, as I tilted my head to the side and stared helplessly at the finish line. I hardly knew what everyone else was doing, I could tell people were screaming at James to leave me alone. But he refused. I wish he would have, everything in my body hurt.

“Look at me,” James’s tone was a little demanding, but gentle at the same time. With a trembling lip and tearful eyes, I met his gaze. James inhaled deeply as a soft smile formed on his face. “Are you okay?”

I wanted to laugh in his face. “A little … late.” I caught my breath in between words, “... to be asking that.”

“I know.” Sorrow entered his heart and manifested in the very way he breathed. “I’m sorry, Maria.”

I blinked, sending a river of tears down my cheeks. Everyone around us was oblivious to what we were talking about. But I knew. I realized that James actually did know why I broke up with him. It’s this right here, I thought. I needed you to pick me up whenever I fell. Instead of judging me for it and expecting that I figured it out for myself.

“I’m sorry too,” I uttered with my breathless voice.

Reality struck me the moment that I spoke, causing a burden to lift from me. It was the envy and grudge I held against James that kept me from focusing on what was important. Growth. His ability to persevere was something I could learn, too. If I turned to the one who was the true source, the creator of all strength.

“But, Maria, please …” James said, hope beginning to twinkle in his eyes. “Don’t stop on account of the pain I caused. Don’t stop because of other people’s mistakes or choices. Don’t stop because of your circumstances, no matter how much it hurts.” Simultaneously, we both looked back at the finish line, where all the other, already-finished racers, stood triumphantly. “You can run this race, Maria. But you have to choose to get up again and again until that pain finally ends.”

“It sounds like a long time,” I whispered.

“Maybe,” James answered truthfully. “But don’t forget what’s on the other side of the finish line. That great prize that’s waiting for you.”

“Jesus,” I smiled. “His victory.” It’s what James always said he won in every football game.

“Yes,” James smiled bigger. “And that prize is yours if you’re willing.”

My body throbbed from the fall, I wasn’t even sure if my legs could carry me across that finish line. In fact, Coach and everyone else kept saying not to try, that it was okay for me to end right where I was. Except, there were only two people who believed I should persist, and persevere. James and God Himself.

Life hurt–I knew that–even Jesus Himself knew that. But the best part about life is being able to get back up again. And the sweetest part about life is when there is someone else there to pick you up when you feel you can’t move on. Glancing at the finish line, and then back at James, I found my footing and walked on. My legs burned in all places, and I nearly toppled over a few times–but I kept my face straight ahead and did not stop. James rushed to the finish line first, rooting for me in the distance. Gradually, the spectators began to join him in his cheers. With each long, slow, and painful step, I pressed on.

And as I came to my last steps, body screaming and lungs practically failing, I crossed over. Immediately, the crowd roared in pure excitement.

In that second, James swooped me up in his arms–probably in fright of me collapsing again–and cheered a loud, “Woohoo!”

My aching legs relaxed, while everything else that hurt gradually eased off. It was over, finally. Inhaling slowly, I took in my moment of victory. The taste of perseverance resided within me. This is what it feels like, I thought. Feeling slightly dizzy, I gazed heavenward and thanked God Himself for His hope, strength, and my James.

“You did it!” James cheered, laughing and crying at the same time.

“We did it,” I grinned.

Life wasn’t ever about winning or becoming the best. It was about simply crossing that finish line, and embracing the one who already gave me the greatest victory I ever could receive. It was that ability to run the race with the God of the universe Himself, and experiencing His fullness at the end of that finish line. And from that moment on, James and I chose to run our race again and again until the pain ends—when we cross the finish line.

Foundation Scriptures:

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith …” (Hebrews 12:1 NKJV)

“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Corinthians 15:57 NKJV)

Personal Thoughts:

I wrote this short story almost a year ago. I’ve held onto it for a while, waiting for the perfect moment to share it. Despite the simplicity of this story, it truly depicts the profound message that we run a tough race called life.

This year has been the most “out of breath” years I’ve ever had. In this week alone, I’ve worked so hard to simply put one foot in front of the other. I know my dreams are on the line, purpose is calling, responsibilities are demanding, and all the pressure is sinking in. I’ve fallen along the way, but I can’t help but get up again. I can’t help but keep going, until I cross that finish line.

I run this race because Jesus called me to it. I take another step and do my best, because Jesus is rooting for me all the way through. My reward isn’t just in the blessings of life, but my prize is truly this relationship that I have with my Savior.

With Him, I already won.

My dear readers, we don’t have to spend our lives running from things. We can spend our lives running to Jesus and be held all along the way. We can run this race in joy and purpose, because Jesus is our prize.

I pray that this blesses you, thank you all for reading!

P.S. a big inspiration to this story is a song called “Lost my Breath” by Zauntee feel free to check it out if you’re feeling a bit out of breath today! 😉